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Who am I that I think I can fool the Lord?
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Macklemore
“Wings”Things.
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It’s such an easy way to live
By grace.
I mean really, what’s there to lose?
Heaven is a guarantee,
so live it up, homie.
Is the ground on which you walk not made for you?
It’d be a tragedy not to enjoy it.
Who’s to tell you what’s wrong and right?
Rules just bind you to the norm.
So just take another hit.
You can handle it.
You’re a Christian, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
All that’s left is the end
When you meet Jesus in Heaven
And He looks you in the eye and says,
“You never knew Me.”
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I love having this time for myself, time for the world
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In this needle and haystack life, I’ve found miracles there in your eyes.
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I miss home.
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I’m a sucker
I’ve become a sucker for social media. Maybe it’s my extroverted personality manifesting its frustration of living in a foreign town. Or maybe I’m just desperate for attention. But seeing those red numbered boxes on the upper left-hand corner of my facebook page gives me a rush. I almost get frustrated when I check my phone and there aren’t any missed calls or text messages. I seriously crave social interaction.
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The Spirit of Adventure
I think maybe my adventurous spirit gets the best of me sometimes. For example, I could be at home right now hanging out with all my best friends around a bonfire. But instead I chose to play in a band this summer. So now I am living in a town where I know about 5 people and have no way of getting anywhere besides my own two feet. Another example would be the time I drove from Vancouver to Seattle without telling my parents my senior year of high school. It’s like I can’t sit still without doing something extreme for too long.
Now, when I say extreme I don’t mean things like skydiving or bungee jumping or doing backflips off giant cliffs into water. That’s never been my thing. But I feel as if I always need to take some sort of risk with my life. I always feel like passing up an opportunity is a mistake. There’s just a part of me that has to go against the grain and be the guy that beats the odds. Just the idea of having a movie-worthy story gets me inspired and excited.
Maybe my spirit of adventure is what drives my passion for music. It’s like the chance to write the soundtrack for my movie-worthy story. To capture all the highs and lows and twists and turns. All the “City of Black and White” moments to the days of the “Pumped up Kids” to even the movie UP’s “Spirit of Adventure.”
But I also think it’s my spirit of adventure that drives the self-focused life choices that I tend to make. It makes me want to fall in love with my own love story. To watch my life from a third-person perspective and admire it. I think my taste for adventure blinds me from other adventures I could be experiencing.
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Maybe I’ve finally learned something
It was never about you. I fell in love with watching myself be loved. The Cinderella Story about the kid who wasn’t “popular” in middle school but became “the guy everyone loved.” I loved you because you made me look better. You gave me the social “edge” above all the rest of the “normal people” who couldn’t dream of “having” somebody like you. Having you in my possession meant I was better than other people. And whenever I didn’t have you, I had another one of you right by my side. No, I didn’t need God. I had no reason to depend on Him because I attained everything by myself.
Which is funny…because I’m still here…figuring this out. He still led me to this point of realization even though I kept finding ways to push Him out of my life. I fell in love with myself. And not in a self-respect kind of way, but in a very self-centered way. It’s why I could never stay single. I needed somebody there to feed my confidence instead of investing in other people. Interesting what you learn at 1 AM sitting on a bed that isn’t even yours…
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What Could Have Been
The past is a funny thing. There’s nothing you can do to change it, but it always kind of leaves you hanging. It just kind of lingers there and leaves you with endless questions. Instead of seeing the happy ending, it seems more like it’s just a bunch of “what if’s.” Like, “What if I actually did choose that.” What if I had gone through with my commitments? What if I had chosen just to ignore that person? How would my life look without them? Or better yet, what if I had actually taken the time to get to know that person or even notice them? There are so many of these questions swirling around in my head I can’t even sleep.
The biggest one I’m struggling with right now is actually still occurring. This summer, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to play bass for a band called A Current Affair. It’s pretty much always been my dream to be in a band, tour, live with a bunch of my best friends, and make music all the time. The painful part is that my dream is staring me right in the face, and I have to turn it down.
I know in my heart that God has bigger things in store for my future, but I’ll admit that it’s really hard to see it right now. All I can see is this life that I’ve always dreamed of being stripped away from me, and after the summer I have to go back to the old boring routines of school, homework, studying, and whatever else college demands of me.
What really scares me is thinking about what I will think looking back on this experience in 10 or 20 years. I know there will always be that “what if” dwelling in my head like so many other decisions. I hate thinking about looking back and regretting passing up this opportunity that’s literally right in front of me.
Again, I know that God is calling me to something different. And whatever it is, it must be better than anything I could ever imagine. But there will always be this unanswered question about what could have been.
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Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
– Luke 12:27 -
We’re typically eager to share good news. Why then does The Gospel seem to be an exception?
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BEST BIRTHDAY EVER
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You know in the Lion King when they go to the elephant graveyard? That’s your plate. -Cameron Bedrosian.
